Scrambling for empty seats on a bus or train reminds me of an adult version of musical chairs…only without the music, fun, and laughter.

How people can sleep on a train is beyond me. It’s unsteady. It’s loud. The seats are uncomfortable. People can get past all that – but they really, really shouldn’t. Someone I know once told me the loud noises of the train were “hypnotic.” Have you ever seen someone who has been hypnotized? It’s not pretty. Neither is sleeping on public transportation.

My two favorite examples:

• The portly man, head tilted back, mouth wide-open, loud consistent breaths, and a little trail of drool making its way past the cold sore on the right side of his mouth. This isn’t the image this guy should be putting on display for others. If only his wife could see him now.
• Men aren’t the only ones. I saw a woman the other day snoring, with her head slowly falling down, and snapping back up once her chin hits her chest, repeating this motion every 15 seconds. It’s amazing to me that she doesn’t wake herself up when her head snaps back and hits the seat. It certainly looks jarring enough. (if I were to fall off my bed and hit my head on the nightstand, I would probably wake up).

A good way to kill time on a long train ride (other than drinking) is a little game of “Guess the profession.” Warning: this is game is based completely on stereotypes. Construction workers and Wall Street brokers are the easiest to identify, for obvious reasons. Other easy ones to pinpoint are food service employees (hairnets), computer programmers (nerds), porn stars (mustaches), and people in advertising (completely miserable).

About 10 years ago, the LIRR kicked off the “Clean Train Campaign.” A clever little line when it was originally introduced. All these years later, I get the feeling riders purposely litter to spite the “Clean Train Campaign,” because they are so sick of hearing about it. Imagine hearing the same thing at least twice a day, five days a week, for 10 years. It’s almost as bad as Stuart Scott still milking his “Cooler than the other side of the pillow” catch-phrase from the 80’s. Please…come up with new material.

Some guy sneezed so powerfully that he shot a huge loogie onto my friend’s pant leg from 3 seats away on the train. She didn’t even notice. But some “good Samaritan” was nice enough to point it out and give her a napkin. I think I would rather not know, and say “what the hell is this” later when it’s dried out and less disgusting.

I was in the best shape of my life when I lived on Long Island and took the LIRR.  I had to park about a mile away from the station and run the 200-yard dash to catch the train every morning.  I don’t know why I even showered.  I was covered in sweat shortly after anyway.

I was sitting next to a guy on the Long Island Railroad who – unfortunately for me – decided to get a little snack for the ride home…an extra large carnival-size bag of buttered popcorn. This guy must have been starving, as he was shoving handfuls of popcorn the size of softballs at his face. No mouth being large enough to accommodate 20+ popped kernels all at once, half of them rolled down the side of his mouth, onto my shoulder, and to the floor below. But most settled nicely within the crease of my newspaper as I was reading. At least he was nice about it – apologizing after each handful.

You’re on the train – not home on the couch watching Movies on Demand!

For convenience and injury prevention, please consider printing a tabloid size “Commuter Edition.” You’re still The Times, we won’t think anything less of you for it. We’ll thank you.

If you are going to read a newspaper as big as The New York Times on the train, please learn how to fold the paper properly so as not to hit people in the head, dish out paper cuts, or elbow jab your neighbors every time you turn the page.

I think it’s funny to watch how annoyed people get listening to others talk on the phone while riding public transportation.  I’ve seen people livid, shooting dirty looks, and complaining to anyone who will listen.  Then, their phone rings, they answer, and start yapping away themselves…hypocrites!