For those of you not from NY – B&T is not a sandwich without the lettuce. This is a derogatory term used for kids from Long Island, New Jersey, and Connecticut who take the “bridge and tunnels” into Manhattan to party. As a former B&T’er, I wear this tag proudly. But thankfully I will never need wait in Penn Station for the “5:15” ever again.

Why is it that the Port Washington line is the only one lucky enough to bypass Jamaica Station in Queens? Anyone on Long Island knows…Jamaica station is a complete clusterf–k. Port Wash should have to experience the pain too.

No fair.

Definition of fauxcellalarm from urbandictionary.com:

When you feel the vibration of your cell phone, but it is not vibrating (or you are not even carrying your phone).

I’m glad there is finally a word for this. I thought I was f—ing crazy.

There is a NYC yellow cab with phat, shiny rims. This may be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen. The rims don’t spin (that would just be ridiculous).

Just a bit of advice: only use the bathroom in NY Penn Station in an emergency, and you have no other options. Or… if for some reason you were wondering what Mark Renton felt like in Trainspotting.

When throwing your jacket onto the overhead storage rack, please take the change out of your pockets first. Getting nailed on the top my head with falling quarters really hurts.

Thank you.

Scrambling for empty seats on a bus or train reminds me of an adult version of musical chairs…only without the music, fun, and laughter.

How people can sleep on a train is beyond me. It’s unsteady. It’s loud. The seats are uncomfortable. People can get past all that – but they really, really shouldn’t. Someone I know once told me the loud noises of the train were “hypnotic.” Have you ever seen someone who has been hypnotized? It’s not pretty. Neither is sleeping on public transportation.

My two favorite examples:

• The portly man, head tilted back, mouth wide-open, loud consistent breaths, and a little trail of drool making its way past the cold sore on the right side of his mouth. This isn’t the image this guy should be putting on display for others. If only his wife could see him now.
• Men aren’t the only ones. I saw a woman the other day snoring, with her head slowly falling down, and snapping back up once her chin hits her chest, repeating this motion every 15 seconds. It’s amazing to me that she doesn’t wake herself up when her head snaps back and hits the seat. It certainly looks jarring enough. (if I were to fall off my bed and hit my head on the nightstand, I would probably wake up).

A good way to kill time on a long train ride (other than drinking) is a little game of “Guess the profession.” Warning: this is game is based completely on stereotypes. Construction workers and Wall Street brokers are the easiest to identify, for obvious reasons. Other easy ones to pinpoint are food service employees (hairnets), computer programmers (nerds), porn stars (mustaches), and people in advertising (completely miserable).

About 10 years ago, the LIRR kicked off the “Clean Train Campaign.” A clever little line when it was originally introduced. All these years later, I get the feeling riders purposely litter to spite the “Clean Train Campaign,” because they are so sick of hearing about it. Imagine hearing the same thing at least twice a day, five days a week, for 10 years. It’s almost as bad as Stuart Scott still milking his “Cooler than the other side of the pillow” catch-phrase from the 80’s. Please…come up with new material.